Home » Infertility » Update (22+0) and Family Foibles

Update (22+0) and Family Foibles

It feels like ages since I’ve sat down to write a post. I guess I found it easier to write from a place of frustration, anger and worry, than a place of relative peace. I also never intended for this to be a pregnancy blog (although I have been keenly following other blogs! – just a personal choice) so I haven’t wanted to log on to provide everybody with a symptoms list, or bump photos.

Generally speaking, everything is going as well as we could wish for it to be. The anomaly scan was a drawn-out process (2 hours in total, on and off the couch!) because of some unhelpful positioning from Baby Bean, but all is well. In the sonagrapher’s words, we have a “perfect baby” šŸ™‚

Sometimes I have to pinch myself – I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m allowing myself to start buyingĀ little things, here and there, to help spread the cost over the next few months. When i say “little things”, i really do mean little. Like, purchases around the Ā£10 mark. There is still this horrid pessimistic side that will not allow me to fork out Ā£800 on a pram or Ā£400 on furniture with 18 weeks still to go.

My own mother died having me, and as this pregnancy progresses, I’m starting to think more and more about labour and the delivery. There’s a silly, irrational cognitiveĀ process that spirals into thoughts that I, too, won’t make it out of Delivery Suite (or Baby Bean won’t). Logically, I know this is utter rubbish, but on a bad day, the fear is very, very real. Luckily these days are few and far between and I hope it stays this way.

A little wobble occurred yesterday…

My new nephew is just over 2 months old, and is the apple of every family member’s eye (apart from mine). As I have said before (and read similar stories on fellow bloggers’ posts), I am shocked at how little my feelings towards this poor baby have altered, despite being pregnant myself. I am certain that every negative thought and feeling stems from my own worries and concerns, mixed up with a bit of hormonal turmoil, and not helped by the fact that he is (and will forever be) associated with my IVF cycle failing.

I’ve been pretty busy at work, and have been keeping strange hours, which have seen me physically distanced from my family of late, but my husbandĀ slightly pressured me into turning up to a family birthday-do after work this Sunday. The whole family was there, new baby included. I let myself into my mother-in-law’s house, and walked into the garden where they were all sitting, and I kind of freeze-framed what I saw. A very happy, completely content family. All 3 brothers together, playing football with their step-nephews, WAGs at the table happily chatting away, with my mother-in-law cradling her new grandson, everyone cooing over him and fussing him. It was a bit like some kind of sickeningĀ advert for something that would require a “perfect” family, like for a BBQ set or lawn feed and weed.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so on the periphery of my family. My family that seemed to be doing just fine without me. I could feel the tears welling up, and I fumbled my way through the next half an hour before I made my excuses to leave.

I think I’m being stupid, and oversensitive, and childish. But I want things back to the way they were pre-grandchild.

5 thoughts on “Update (22+0) and Family Foibles

  1. Hi. First of all, I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your mum. That must be such a big worry to carry, and a huge loss in your life. No wonder you are worried! I think you have to think that you are outside of the main danger zone now and that your chances of something going wrong are much diminished.

    Also I’m sorry you’re feeling vulnerable / emotional about your family. I think all of us in the “infertility community” (eek!) can understand those feelings. It’s really a normal reaction and I think it helps to be aware of our feelings and try to address them – either by telling people how we feel (if it might help) or just by venting on here! I’m thinking for you and sending you hugs x

    • Thanks, Nara. That is really kind. I’ve felt so guilty for feeling that way, like I’m some awful person, but you are right. If you can’t vent on here, where can you?
      I hope you’re doing ok. I don’t always get a chance to comment on your posts as the signal in the hospital dips in and out, but your blog really speaks from the heart, and there’s so much I feel I can relate to when I read it. Do keep blogging x

  2. I can relate to the family birthday! Just last week we were celebrating the 80th birthday of my husband’s step-grandmother. My brother in law was there with their 3 month old baby boy and it was the first time our extended family was getting to meet him. Such a precious baby boy, but it really stung when I saw my mother in law showing off the new baby and I heard her say, “Look! We finally have a grand baby!!” My husband and I have been trying to give them a grand baby for over 3 years bad the result has been 4 miscarriages. I know she was excited and I felt bad for feeling bad. I confided in my husband and he reminded me that they will rectify the same way when we finally have a baby, but still… We continue to experience these crazy emotions whether we understand them or not. Thanks for sharing and please know that you are not alone!

    • Thank you, that means a lot as I feel like such a horrid person saying it. I’m sorry that you, too ,are in a similar position. It’s so difficult, as logically, you know they have every right to be happy (and you kind of are, too!) but it does just feel heart-wrenching at times, especially times that you’re feeling a bit vulnerable anyway.
      And not to worry about the typos! Damn that predictive text! x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s